My best diet advice yet.

“Six Top Ways To Make Sure You Fit _________ In No Time At All”
“Three Diet Tips That Your Doctor Will Hate”
“How To Make Sure Your Body Is What’s On His Mind”
“Three Trim-Down Superfoods”
“Is Your Metabolism Working Against You?”

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How the fuck about… two options. Just two options. Two very different ones, so we’re safe from mix-ups. I care too much to blind anyone with science when it comes to this kinda thing, so it’s as clear as I can make it. And no shitting on anybody for picking either one, but you get shits for complaining about it / expecting the reactions of others to change everything / deeming yourself the god of Causes and Effects. Shits all up in your shit to shit up your shit, you shit. Blame games require no balls, so don’t let that be about you.

  • Option one: Pay attention to your body. Does it feel like bursting after you’ve eaten? Then you had too much of what it was. Does it caterwaul after a curry? Maybe it was a harsh one. But if your enjoyment outlasts that, then it was a meal well-eaten. In my opinion, anyway. I love curry. Do you get winded after ten flights of stairs? That’s fine, unless you’re training for something huge. But after one? Then your breathing sucks. There are machines that breathe for you, but one generally tries to shoulder that task for as long as they can without assistance. Do your research. Do your own meals. Do what you gotta do, without making a moral crusade against the upper levels of the food pyramid. Food can’t hate. So please stop hating it; it helps to keep you alive. Just make sure you know what it does to / for you.
  • Option two: Pay attention to what you’re trying to fit into. Is it fucking tiny? Then maybe you’re being fucking crazy. And maybe it turns out not to be so fucking sexy after all. And I don’t want you to waste your time like that. It’s demeaning, among other things. So, we all wanna look good in what we wear, at least to some degree? Then you gotta honestly appraise this clothing, comrade. Is it a bridesmaid’s dress that made your mama go all misty-eyed and change the subject? Is it tailor-made, like part of a wearable arts thing or a living installation? Is it flexible or constrictive? Is it nice enough so you can deal with its shortfalls? Honest appraisal. Which generally takes more than ten minutes (which you know is long enough to outfox the most cataclysmic of sartorial disasters, TRUST ME. JUST SIT AND THINK FOR A BIT ABOUT THAT FUCKIN’ THING).

L’epilogue: ‘diet‘ comes from the Greek term ‘diaita‘, which has been known to signify ‘change in life‘. That can mean what it wants. While diets change some things, your body shape won’t ultimately change everything. Your life won’t automatically be a picnic (picnics again? I think I want biscuits), but you sure as shit won’t be one of the ants. I’ll be over the way, sharing my pastries with the ducks and admiring their absence of guilt.

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