It’s one thing to be so mentally ill so as to be “as sensitive as a paper-cut asshole” on some days, but it’s another thing entirely to feel like a fucking idiot for having any emotional response at all.

See, I know I’m being illogical a lot of the time. I don’t try and fight it any more, because I’d rather just let it take its course until it dissipates. These moods rarely last more than a few days, but there’s always someone to see if I’m veering dangerously close to a week’s worth of it (pretty sure that’s my limit before I start doing weird shit like not eating / drawing & writing on my own skin excessively / snapping at well-meaning strangers / becoming convinced it’d be nice to hold my breath until it’s painful. Fuck, I dunno), so my life can’t be that horrible.

I don’t even know how I feel, because I’m so scared of being judged for it. I’m starting to think that almost everyone I know seems to think that I’m a naturally cheerful person, which is honestly my fault. I grew up believing that I have to be happy and cheerful around others, otherwise I’m being selfish and attention-seeking. I know how flawed that rationale is, but that’s the reality of how I get treated, so most of the time it’s easier to be all – OH THAT’S SOOO ADORABLE or MAAAN YOU’RE HILARIOUS or YEAH THAT’S TOTALLY INTERESTING, YEAH SURE or NO, NO, IT’S BECAUSE I’M A BIT SLOW, HAHAHAHAHAHAH UM YEP. If I voice any kind of concern or complaint or question the status quo, the prevailing message I get back is something to the effect of: ILENE YOU ARE COMPLAINING WHICH IS OF COURSE VERY ANNOYING AND YOU NEED TO BE ALONE UNTIL YOU CAN FORCE A SMILE BACK ON SO SEE YOU THEN AND ONLY THEN YOU DRAMA QUEEN SERIOUSLY SHUT UP IT’S MAKING ME FEEL ALL WEIRD AND I DON’T WANNA FEEL ALL WEIRD WHY CAN’T YOU JUST BE NORMAL.

OK, I guess that neutralises the problem I’ve been imagining. Good job. And many thanks.

I better fucking feel fucking better by tomorrow or I’m fucked. Lucky I’m imagining everything that’s negative in my life, huh?

I’d better stop, at least for now, so this can pass. Like usual. Come on… Please…


One of my favourites.

Listening to this album has stopped me from kicking holes in stuff, many times.


*gonna cut your fuckin’ grass, btw

I Too Have an Opinion Pertaining to Natalia Kills and Willy Moon.


I think this is love in one of its many forms, maybe?
Shhh. It makes sense. Even if it doesn’t, they’re like, adults & married & goliveyourlifeok.

Despite knowing fuck-all about these two individuals and what they do, I will share an opinion on them. Maybe I’m trying to fit in. Or I could just be a piece of opinionated seaweed being dragged along with the online gossip tide. Honestly, at the end of it all, I don’t think it really matters.

I’ve read some stuff written by people who have been thinking about those two a lot.
The reason I don’t say, “I’ve read some stuff that people wrote about these two” is because I don’t think the articles are really about Kills and Moon, but rather about the author.

Think about it. If the morality of this situation is really the issue, then by all means tell us how much higher your horse is than whatever animal they ride (I’m imagining them riding a Buggalo; Moon has the reins and is looking really pleased with himself, whereas Kills gets to make herself a bit more comfortable behind him, saying great stuff like, “Darling, the back of your fashionable head makes me want to lick my own hand”).

But I’m assuming that’s not the issue. Because if it was, if these people really cared about how people provide considerate feedback and communicate kindly with each other, then why in the fuck are they being so horrible in response?

It’s like a parent hitting their child for “being excitable and nervous”. Sure, the child now knows they’re acting in a way that annoys their parent, but is now triggered by the experience, exacerbating the entire situation, thus perpetuating the ill will and bad blood.

It’s like throwing spiders at an arachnophobic person, claiming that it’s exposure therapy and that everything will be fine. Sure, that might have worked for someone before, but you know it’s not the best way, not by a long shot. You’ll probably lose a friend by acting that way, and I’m sure that’s not the way to treat arachnids (no matter how scary you find them).

It’s like going overseas with a gun, claiming that you need to go shoot some motherfuckers, because someone needs to show them that killing is wrong and that war is sad.

Except it’s not like any of those situations, is it? Not really. But the formula is in keeping, it seems.
Bad thing? More bad thing will stop first bad thing! No more bad thing! Wait… thing still bad? BAAAD THING!!!

OK so they got fired. Fair enough; they were employed as judges of showmanship and instead ended up making it personal. But what I find intriguing is that I hear it was prompted by a petition. See, I’ve signed a handful or two of petitions in my time, but none of them were about entertainment.
Sure, you can bend it six ways to Sunday and say “it’s not the type of entertainment, but the fact there’s such a horrible example of behaviour on TV, and we all know I’m a crusader for kindness”, but I will laugh you out of the room because you are so obviously lying.
Do you even know the auditioner’s name? Do you think Norman Bates is boring and that Psycho sucks? Do you know any facts, or are you making shit up? Whatever, let’s just not talk about this at length or I’ll draw conclusions about what your opinion says about you.

I summed up a lot of articles in one sentence each, kinda like: / THIS ONE’S ANGRY BECAUSE THE BEAUTIFUL LADY DIDN’T ACT BEAUTIFUL AND IT’S KINDA SEXIST OR SOMETHING / THIS STUFF’S ABOUT PERCEIVED IDEAS OF ORIGINALITY AND IS KINDA INTERESTING / THIS ONE’S ABOUT WILLY MOON’S ALBUM AND WOW THIS SHIT CAN’T BE REAL BUT HERE IT IS. Luckily, I didn’t get too far before I realised that I was only doing this because I was procrastinating an assignment.

So now I feel bad for anyone whose marvellous and complex brains were taken up by this story.
I’m also wondering how ridiculous I just seemed. But there’s the rub, isn’t it?
Express yourself, do your best, then leave. On stage and in life. The more we do this, the less we suck.

...unless you wanna Suck It And See? Bet you just fell off your chair. Or sank into a chair if you were standing. Because I'm funny.

edit 30/03/2015: here’s something interesting by Brian Edwards on this topic, (with something rather nice about Yehudi Menuhin for good measure). And don’t ask me who Edwards is, because I’ll just ignore you because YOU SHOULD KNOW.

SONOIO & Alan Wilder – Minutes (Expansion)

For a minute,
For a moment,
You will know that
Every moment,
Every minute
And the soul is surely going to waste.
Doesn’t really matter
In the end anyway.

For a minute,
For a moment.
You know,
Every moment,
Every minute,
Represents all this story we conversate.
Doesn’t really matter
‘Cause we can’t anyway.