Things That Hurt Me But Evidently Should Not, According To Others.

It’s one thing to be so mentally ill so as to be “as sensitive as a paper-cut asshole” on some days, but it’s another thing entirely to feel like a fucking idiot for having any emotional response at all.

See, I know I’m being illogical a lot of the time. I don’t try and fight it any more, because I’d rather just let it take its course until it dissipates. These moods rarely last more than a few days, but there’s always someone to see if I’m veering dangerously close to a week’s worth of it (pretty sure that’s my limit before I start doing weird shit like not eating / drawing & writing on my own skin excessively / snapping at well-meaning strangers / becoming convinced it’d be nice to hold my breath until it’s painful. Fuck, I dunno), so my life can’t be that horrible.

I don’t even know how I feel, because I’m so scared of being judged for it. I’m starting to think that almost everyone I know seems to think that I’m a naturally cheerful person, which is honestly my fault. I grew up believing that I have to be happy and cheerful around others, otherwise I’m being selfish and attention-seeking. I know how flawed that rationale is, but that’s the reality of how I get treated, so most of the time it’s easier to be all – OH THAT’S SOOO ADORABLE or MAAAN YOU’RE HILARIOUS or YEAH THAT’S TOTALLY INTERESTING, YEAH SURE or NO, NO, IT’S BECAUSE I’M A BIT SLOW, HAHAHAHAHAHAH UM YEP. If I voice any kind of concern or complaint or question the status quo, the prevailing message I get back is something to the effect of: ILENE YOU ARE COMPLAINING WHICH IS OF COURSE VERY ANNOYING AND YOU NEED TO BE ALONE UNTIL YOU CAN FORCE A SMILE BACK ON SO SEE YOU THEN AND ONLY THEN YOU DRAMA QUEEN SERIOUSLY SHUT UP IT’S MAKING ME FEEL ALL WEIRD AND I DON’T WANNA FEEL ALL WEIRD WHY CAN’T YOU JUST BE NORMAL.

OK, I guess that neutralises the problem I’ve been imagining. Good job. And many thanks.

I better fucking feel fucking better by tomorrow or I’m fucked. Lucky I’m imagining everything that’s negative in my life, huh?

I’d better stop, at least for now, so this can pass. Like usual. Come on… Please…

Advertisements

3 Comments

  1. Without keeping constantly busy (which in itself is fucking difficult to put up with) it’s always a struggle to distract oneself, especially if you’re interpreting people’s reactions in such a way. I find searching for new media and abusing food/vices to be a somewhat nicer distraction then your suggestions (especially the not eating and the holding breath thing- seems like an extreme tactic to fight insomnia). I’d say “cheer up”, but it’s a meaningless comment and a hell of a lot easier said than done, so I’ll simply say “I’d enjoy it more if you were happy”. Forgive the perhaps unwelcome input, but I was going to write an entry myself and after stumbling across this, felt whatever I would write would seem daftly insincere in comparison.

    • How would it be insincere?! This comment alone seems rather genuine, if I say so myself. As for my state of mind, I think I’m going to keep myself as busy as I can, sittin’ them babies and whatnot.
      And I’ve been taking your advice by accident; found an excellent show named Black Mirror, devoured all the eps in one sitting, along with cheesecake. As hard as it is to tell yourself to be happy, sometimes it’s what I gotta do. Otherwise, I’ll never come out from under the covers. But the “cheer up” is only ever the first half of the sentence, like: “cheer up, you’ve got new socks and they’re cute as shit” or “cheer up, you’re about to see Dad” or something.

      And your input is never unwelcome, Mr. Dr. Prof. McKee, Esquire. Thank you so much for your kind words. 🙂

      • Well I would have liked to write something as deep and cynical about myself and how I commonly feel, however I fear I’d only scrape the surface, otherwise my brother and dad would give me shit, telling me to “harden up” and what not. First world problems. I could avoid that by not sharing it on Facebook, but if I didn’t, nobody apart from you, my only follower would read it and I had other subjects I wanted to touch upon, however, I would feel as if it was directed solely at you (being the only person to read it).
        Black Mirror is apparently awesome and some people aren’t sickened by the idea of cheesecake. Hope all is well and such, I hope to write something soon when I can summon up the willpower/energy.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s