why

is my sense of happiness so fragile?
it always seems indefatigable at first – worthy of some kind of self-congratulation at the very least.
but, then, I seem to drop everything and fall apart if I’m caught off-guard during a weak moment.

simple as that.
at best, this is inconvenient.
at worst, it’s life-threatening.

as inconsequential as words are, they still have the power to twist your senses.
wring them out utterly and completely.
senses you didn’t know you had.
senses that now burn heavy with hang-ups that may well choke you to death one day.
the sharp, needling, incessant and invisible kind.

a lack of words will hurt also.
I’ll ignore anyone and everyone
out of an intense fear of being called
“clingy”
and
“needy”
and
“crazy”.
I will bear the mark
of those three words
forever.
branded and stranded
forever.
ad nauseam.
I will be so reticent that it makes me sick in every sense.

that’s what the strong people of this world do, right?

the more I care, the more I’ll pretend that I don’t.
yeah… great logic.
simple and hypocritical.
laugh it off.
what a cute little defense strategy.

serves me right for thinking I’m so fucking clever.

why can’t people care a little bit?
why does their lack of good will hurt me so much?
why do I care about the fact that nobody seems to care?
why can’t I process the fact that people will be pieces of shit no matter how hard I try not to be one myself?
even though I’m probably the worst?
why do I care about what anyone thinks?
why am I so full of shit like this?

why?
please, just tell me why and I’ll promise to stop asking.

I’ll just burn in the hell I’ve made for myself.
all my fire-escapes count for nothing.
naught.
null.
nada.

de nada.
really; it’s nothing.
no abyss.
because an abyss is a thing.

I am the absence of a thing.
this will kill me,
I just know it.

I’ll burn quietly
and make
deathly sure
that nobody chokes on the smoke.

go ahead and open a window
so you can breathe easy
and I can burn away ever brighter and faster.

serves me right for being so combustible.

I’m beyond help, aren’t I?
this is why I
am alone.
I deserve to be, if this is the way I see myself and the world at large.

serves me right for thinking so deeply
and reading into everything.

of course you can’t save someone
who’s always saying
that everything is beautiful
and nothing hurts.

I understand completely.
you’d never know they were in trouble in the first place.
the red flags were hidden in a really stupid place, but still weren’t seen.
eventually, they stopped being flown altogether.

half-cast at half-mast.
oh, great.
this shit again.

you’d never know
until you saw the ashes on your hands.

that’s all you’ll get for caring.

and this is why nobody cares.

I have my answer –
one that is remiss,
but an answer all the same.

I can sit with this
until I’m finally gone.

drop the act and save yourselves,
I beg you all.

one casualty is enough.
you can all move on
because I was never really here.

just the idea of me.
it’s hard to comfort something so hollow
and
ethereal
and
vague
and
self-effacing.

I’m not special.
none of us are.

I’ll find comfort
through solitude,
hopefully.
I’ll promise not to burn so loudly.

maybe then,
I will disappear,
like how I’ve always wanted.

I will have the strength
tomorrow
to pretend
this never happened.

today, I am weak.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s