Reactions over the years: an introspective

Ilene, age 1: -kicking and crying; it’s all I’ve got-

Ilene, age 2: -kicking and crying and breaking things; all I’ve got so far

Ilene, age 3: -running away into traffic during family outings-

Ilene, age 4: -telling Mum she’s a poop-face until she stops ignoring me-

Ilene, age 5: -telling teacher that I’m being raised by poop-faces-

Ilene, age 6: -nothing, because nobody’s listening-

Ilene, age 7: -saying something offensive during Sunday School, and noticing that people actually found it rather funny-

Ilene, age 8: -throwing up into the baptismal waters, because God gave me this panic attack so I could learn something, right?-

Ilene, age 9: -covering journals in glitter glue, ditching the Bible because it’s for shit-dicks (learned to swear, but only kinda)-

Ilene, age 10: -nothing, because I might get sent to live in Tonga, and it’s harder to rebel against God / anything over there, hell, might even get married off. no. No. NO.-

Ilene, age 11: -learning Tongan properly, just in case-

Ilene, age 12: -figuring out that the so-called poop-faces wouldn’t actually care enough to punish me in that way (my first real brush with an empty threat)-

Ilene, age 13: -scratching things like “WHERE’S YOUR GOD NOW” into the most holy and publicly-funded of seating-

Ilene, age 14: -running away from home and ending up in places far more dangerous-

Ilene, age 15: -running away to the school counselor’s office-

Ilene, age 16: -running away to my workplace at the time-

Ilene, age 17: -running away and hiding in libraries, until it’s safe to move out of home-

Ilene, age 18: -believing that tertiary education would fill the void-

Ilene, age 19: -reading. readingreadingreading-

Ilene, age 20: -writing. writingwritingwriting-

Ilene, age 21: -believing in nothing. strange comfort, but a comfort all the same-

Ilene, age 22: -wondering if I could believe in someone else, seeing as I was finding it pretty hard to believe in myself-

Ilene, age 23: -burying my face in one of the most ill-advised relationships of all time-

Ilene, age 24: -alone again, and realising that maybe I shouldn’t be taking it all out on myself; after all, not everything’s my fault-

Ilene, age 25: -reading. writing. drawing. readingwritingdrawing-

Ilene: age 26: -wondering if all this self-pity shit amounts to anything-

Ilene, age 27: -blogging about how I used to “handle” things, I guess-

Right… so all I feel I’ve learned is that I should learn to do ALL THE THINGS so I can do ALL THE THINGS when I feel I have nothing left. All the fucking things. Fuck yes. I’m into that. Here we go, then.


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