It’s no mystery or secret or surprise: I have been very miserable for a very long time.
It usually makes me feel better to comb through the minutiae of my problems by re-hashing things and writing them down, but only in the way that lancing an abscess would make someone feel better. Catharsis is one thing, but one can get very tired of the ruminating, the cutting, the squeezing, the purging. Of course it once helped, and it may help me again, however, the filth is already at the surface, where it hurts and pulsates and gets darker. I can almost feel my blood thickening as the air thins out and the skin grows taut.
Nothing becomes a thing, as the nobodies hiss their nothings in your ears…
…unless something distracts you. It’s very simple, almost annoyingly so. As such, anger and sadness can vanish like vapour as you decide what to do; as you tick and cross tiny boxes in your mind as quickly as they appear, the knots loosen.
Long story short: one minute, I wanted to start beating my own face with rolled-up three-year-old magazines whilst screaming annoying dipshit things like FUCK OFF SHADOW PEOPLE and OH NO I CAN HEAR MY BLOOD. Next minute, I’m laughing about a moment earlier in the morning when I was sitting with Youtube open on the laptop, and I heard my phone go off across the room, just to walk over there to check it and see that it was a Youtube notification alert.
Oh, the irony. Anyway, when was the last time I heard an icecream truck go past me? Been a while since that happened. I wonder if kids still play stuff like tic-tac-toe and hangman when they’re bored. My tongue feels thicker than it was yesterday. I bet it’d be really nice to hold a koala. If the koala hugged me back, I’d probably weep with joy and try to take it home. Their ears look so soft. Peter Griffin on ecstasy, squirming around on the lounge floor. Haha.
Anyway, that was a thing that happened.