a vague prayer

I did something very sad today.

I broke my own heart.

I had to do it.

Nobody knows who you really are, Mama God, but I know you have had this heartbreak too. You’ve had to do unspeakable things to keep a roof over your head and the wolves from the door. You have given up your soul, with your broken head held high.

Never tarnished, only sharpened. Mama God, you’re so beautiful, no matter what.

I made a tough decision and it broke my heart like yours already broke, Mama God.

I left the ward and nobody stopped me, because I had work to do. This is not work that I am mentally prepared for, but I am even less mentally prepared for homelessness, so I did what you would do. I pounded the pavement with a rumbling stomach and a racing head until I got to the home I am trying so hard to keep.

Mama God, please. I’ve lost my mind, but I can not lose my home. I’ve lost so much already.
Please, Mama God, help me swallow my pride and nothing else.

Slender fingers guided by unknown forces, flitting and skipping between search engines and keypads. The deftness of a silent virtuoso, trying to make a song of static. Mama God, it hurts. The sugar in my voice and the vinegar in my heart, it hurts.

Mama God, help me forgive myself for putting money first. I had to do it. My head and my heart will heal later, if I can just keep this roof over me.

Over to you, Mama. Help me, please.


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